Monday, 21 June 2021

Finding Oneself

So being alone wasn’t something I wanted. Until suddenly, I didn’t have a choice.When he walked away and left me holding the pieces of my broken heart, I suddenly became the one thing I realized that I feared being alone. As I was replaying the events of the last few days and how we fell apart, a very hard truth dawned on me.

I always want someone to share my life with not because I always found the person to be irresistible or appealing, but because I didn’t want to be alone. I sacrificed what I really wanted because of my subconscious fear of facing life without someone to share my days with. It’s those defining moments in life that change not only you, they can change your entire future as well.

I never had to face myself because I was wrapped up in someone else all the time. And now, as I looked in the mirror, I realized that I didn’t know the woman staring back at me. At least not in the way I should. Sure, I knew the basics of what I liked and didn’t like, but I didn’t really know the answers to all the hard questions. I knew who I was but only through the eyes of others- not because I knew and loved myself.

What made me truly happy? Where was my joy? Did I do the things that filled up my soul? I had spent all my time and energy on other people instead of focusing on me. Tears shed and rolled down my cheek as I stared in the mirror. I had never truly loved and found myself because I was busy trying to love people that didn’t deserve me. And more importantly, I would never be able to accept real and lasting love until I learned to love myself first.

It’s a hard place to be when you finally understand that you’ve neglected your own self love and happiness for so long. But that stops now. I’m tired of choosing love because I dont want to be alone.
No, I want love to choose me because I’m happy and because it’s what I want. That they are who I want, not just who I’m settling for to not be alone. No more dead end men and kissing frogs that pretend to be princes just because I’m scared to be alone. No, I’m going to chase a different kind of love now. The type that won’t let me down, that’ll always be there and will always be worth it in the end.

The kind of love that is genuine, passionate and respectful- one that I’m proud to call my own.
I’m going to spend my days making my heart happy and my nights fulfilling my soul. It’s time I changed my life most of all, starting with me. I’m going to do more than fall in love with being alive..
I’m going to fall in love with the person that I should have loved a long time ago..

The best love story of all, with myself. That’s the happily ever after I’ve always deserved is only to give, surrender and offer my life and plan to God that's the only eternal happiness I will have,

And now, I got this. I don’t know where I’m going or how to get there, but I’ll find my way. One step at a time. I will one day find the true love and my prince charming 💘🙏

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